Thank you, Harvard University, for recently completing a study that underscores a lot of the things we talk about here: Relationships matter.

In fact, our relationships with others are the one, single most meaningful factor in a life well lived.

“Our study has shown that the people who fared the best were the people who leaned in to relationships, with family, with friends, with community.” – Robert Waldinger, current director of the ongoing study (See the Ted Talk here: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8KkKuTCFvzI)

Not only that, but the 75-year study of 724 individuals indicated that people who lack such relationships actually suffer more, experiencing increased health issues, financial stressors and a generally less satisfying quality of life.

I especially like the term “lean in.” It provides a rather nice visual of two people bending their heads toward one another in an effort to share a thought or maybe some physical affection. But it’s the emotional leaning in that matters – that really sustains us. We often speak of leaning on someone. But leaning in is a more mutually beneficial act.

Young people who were interviewed in conjunction with the study were asked what their life goals were. Most of them said they hoped to be financially successful or famous. Is this what society teaches us as a measure of our lifelong satisfaction? Shame on us.

Those studied by Harvard were compared in the fifties and again in their eighties. At mid-life, those who had good quality relationships had the best physical and mental health – it was a far better indicator than say, their cholesterol levels. Our physicians could learn a few things from this, I think. My doctor regularly orders blood work but he has never asked me about my relationships.

When we are being educated in school, we are encouraged to learn and to work hard. We are taught to read, to do algebra, to cook, to play volleyball and to travel. But no one ever tells us how to maintain close relationships.

Sadly, it’s something we must figure out on our own, for ourselves. Experience is a great teacher. Trial and error lead us down a bumpy path until we arrive at midlife with a contingency of partners, family and friends with whom we are bonded. That is, if we are lucky. Some never make it that far.

We need to start a dialog about the significance of our relationships. Children need to know that it’s important. Relationships are hard and they can be messy. But they are worth it. They sustain us better than anything else we have or anything we do.

Lead by example. Don’t just go through life beside each other – Lean into your friends and family. Tell someone how much they matter to you. Say “I love you.” Show them that you care by doing little things without the expectation of return. Lean in. It’s the only way to really live.

This is probably the most difficult blog I’ve written to date. In the face of yet another senseless and tragic loss of life, I want to offer some comfort to others. I search for a way to ease my own angst about the world that my grandchildren will inherit. Even for someone who uses language to create characters, stories, poems and messages, the words are difficult to find. I am one person. Where do I begin?

There is no hope of making sense of it. I will not speak of a depth of hatred that I cannot fathom. I will not write of mental illness as if it is an excuse – One that tarnishes the lives of those who suffer with such an affliction silently, choosing not to act in such an unspeakable manner. There is just no way that I will promote this as a political issue or rant about the second amendment. 

The victims and their families deserve so much more than that.

I read the posts on social media. Many are angry, seeking to lay blame. I scan the news accounts for some detail that might help me understand. I seek solace from those among us who are spiritual and wise. I educate myself. I pray. Nothing helps. I feel scared. I feel helpless. 

Worst of all, I feel hopeless. 

As an individual, what can I do? The face of evil is not always easy to recognize. The malignancy is growing and spreading. I am one person. And my heart is broken.

I am no longer content to simply change my Facebook profile picture or say a prayer. Action is needed here, but what can I do? I am one person.

It’s beyond overwhelming to imagine having an effect on the kind of troubled mind that perpetuates such depravity. Or a society that appears to be starting to accept it as the norm. Regardless of the outrage expressed online or over coffee, most of us are unaffected, at least outwardly. We go about our usual routines. We go to work, we go to the ballgame, we drop our kids off at school. 

The changes are subtle. But they’re here. It’s a small world and we all know someone who knows someone. Think about it: Who doesn’t know someone who suffered a loss as the result of 911. Or Sandy Hook. Or Paris. Or Orlando? There is a shift in the way we see the world. Maybe you look at your fellow passengers differently as you await your next flight. Perhaps you feel a false sense of safety when your bag is searched at a concert or a football game. Your eyes scan the emergency exits at the restaurant or you choose your seat more carefully at the nightclub. The seeds have been planted. For most of us, it’s a small shift that we don’t discuss. For our children’s children, however, it will become a way of thinking – a way of living.

I am one person. There is a limit to what I can do. But I must do something. Anything. I feel called to be the light in darkness, to promote forgiveness in the face of hurt, to spread hope where there is fear. But how do I guard my heart against all this pain? How can I walk a path of love amid so much anger and blame? 

We must carry on with our lives. We must live fully every day, even in the face of terror. But we must not settle for simply going thru the motions, harboring the seed of fear that has been planted. We must recognize the painful loss of life and allow ourselves to feel the outrage. Then, we must fight against the waste of life… Commit to it, with every fiber of our beings. 

I cannot honor the fallen by shrinking away from life. Instead, I choose to embrace life. I will honor the loss of their potential by striving to reach my own. I have been touched by darkness and it has taught me to celebrate the light.

I am one person. I can choose impotence. But I will not succumb. I choose to be significant. Amid the chaos and trepidation, I will find my purpose. I will use my strengths to spread hope. I will not be satisfied to simply put one foot in front of the other. I will live my life with meaning. I will spread joy. I will love.

Mother Teresa said this: “Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time and always start with the person nearest you.” 

Go about your day but do so with intent. Embrace that anger and fear. Turn it into purpose. Practice kindness whenever you can. Reach for the stars and realize that you have the power. Avenge the dead by living in a manner that indemnifies them. Be the light.

I am one person. But I am strong. I am fierce. And I am not alone.

Derailed
I woke up a total train wreck one day recently. I was in a serious funk. Unusual, for me (luckily). Physically, it felt like I was moving in quicksand. Mentally, I was fogged in. All I wanted to do was curl up on the couch. I had no desire to engage with the outside world. And yet…

There were things to be done – I had a list! It was a beautiful day outside. But I just. wasn’t. feeling it. End of story. 

I was exhausted and cranky. I drank some coffee. Then I drank some more. It didn’t help. 

Tempted to cave in and hibernate, I reassessed my ‘to do’ list and then scrapped it. Instead, I decided to practice a little self-care. My new list contained things that I needed to do in order to take care of myself. 

Many of us are much better at caring for others than we are at meeting our own needs. We drop everything, in a heartbeat, when one of the kids need us, or a friend. Why then, are we so reluctant to grant ourselves the same priority status?

Full speed ahead!
Fueled with determination, I thought about the things that needed to be done in order for me to forge ahead and feel better. I drank a big bottle of water, in case I was dehydrated. I ate something healthy (two pieces of fruit). I got in the car, opened the sunroof and blasted some mood-elevating music (Susan Tedeschi).

I went to Market Basket. (Exciting, I know). But I eat healthy and needed to restock, fearing a foul mood might lead to self-pity, which might lead to eating potato chips and ice cream for lunch. And I needed to know that I was being productive by doing something that needed doing, like grocery shopping. They play good music at my Market Basket, so I usually sing my way up and down the aisles. 

Now boarding, on track 9
Next, I took a long big walk (just me and the gypsy moth caterpillars). Although it was my usual, two-mile route, each little hill was excruciating. Everything hurt and I was out of breath. But I pushed myself. I knew (hoped) that it would clear my head. It also kicked ass, but I felt better.

After I showered off the sweat, bug spray and caterpillar poop, I felt pretty good about my day (so far). Still completely fatigued, there was one more thing I needed to do: Practice my fiddle lesson. I was so tired that I could barely hold the instrument, so I set my goal at twenty minutes. Okay, fifteen. Whatever. After a few minutes, I noticed that my teacher had written a note at the bottom of the piece. It said, “You go, girl!” I smiled, perhaps for the first time all day. (The universe gives us what we need.) I practiced for thirty minutes.

Had it been a winter day instead of late spring, I may have succumbed to the nearly paralyzing funk. It would have been easy to justify, even on a warm, sunny June day. I could have blamed my allergies, insomnia or any other infirmity. I could have had the perfect excuse to binge-watch On Demand movies and eat junk food. But I refused to give in to it. I had the foresight to look ahead, to the end of the day, and think about how I would feel, as opposed to how I could feel.

Think about what things might pull you out of such a funk. We all have low days, when we can’t find our groove. Sometimes, our bodies or our psyches are sending a clear message and we need to listen. A day on the couch isn’t always a bad idea. But I knew that I’d regret it, this time. I pushed thru it. I fueled my body with good food and lots of water. I got some exercise as well as fresh air and sunshine (and insect byproducts). I filled the refrigerator with healthy food. I practiced.

Back on track
What makes you feel comforted and cared for? Have a repertoire of self-care activities available for those ‘off’ days. Otherwise, it’s hard to get motivated. The chips and ice cream will beckon. The couch will whisper your name seductively. Fight thru it!

My days are precious, with not nearly enough hours to do all the things that I want to do. Wasting it was just not acceptable. I might have faced disappointment and self-loathing at the end of the day. Instead, I felt rejuvenated and self-satisfied. Bravo for me!

Some people are content to have a few very close friends and they keep their circle small. Not me. I love to meet new people and I make friends easily. I don’t keep them all, but when I do, and it’s precious and fulfilling. 

Someone recently observed that maintaining relationships is too much work. As she grows older, she is choosing to cultivate fewer close friendships. She marveled at my ability to do just the opposite, wondering where I find the energy.

The truth is that connections are what give me energy. I surround myself with interesting people who challenge me. Some friends become teachers and, sometimes, teachers become friends. We share so much: our experiences, wisdom, talents, our lives. We give one another whatever we can, take what we need. Our friendships expand and contract as we travel thru life. There’s no expectation except that I’ll always be there when you need me. Or even if you don’t. 

But what makes it stick? Why are some people we meet only acquaintances while others become confidants and companions? I can (and do) spend time with some individuals every week, for years – even decades. Yet, they remain peripheral to my life. Then, there are people I’ve known a short time, for a singular purpose, who quickly find a place in my heart and become a fixture in my life.

Friendship is based on truths. At some point, we’ve discovered that we share some common belief that is central to the way we live our lives. I find parts of myself in you. That creates intimacy and trust. We might not speak of it often, but we build on it. It’s what allows me to be comfortable and to feel free around you. And vice versa.

You understand not only who I am, but who I am becoming. You accept me as a work in progress, loving my current attributes but also supporting my growth. You appreciate that I am the result of my previous suffering. You anticipate that my colors are going to change again and are willing to allow it to happen. Perhaps you are even an integral part of my transformation. I give you the same privilege and celebrate with you when it happens, even if it is inconvenient or uncomfortable for me.

You are willing to walk with me thru the fear, the pain and the messy parts of life. And, if you can make me laugh in the midst of it, even better! We plan the good times, when we can share something we both enjoy (even if it’s just each other). But sometimes bad things happen. We are there for those, too. It’s an unwritten rule. Sometimes we sing and dance, other times, we just hold each other.  

Writing it down makes it appear to be a pretty big deal. Maybe that’s why some feel it’s too much responsibility. Thankfully, there are those, like me, who believe it’s worth the effort. 

I have friends who are twenty years younger than me and friends who are twenty years older. There’s so much to learn – so much perspective to be gained! I have friends who are gay and friends who are trans. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I have friends who are men. We’re respectful adults and if there’s sexual tension or dubious partners, we talk about it and address it. 

People make the world go around – at least they do for my world. I am thriving because of my friendships. They inspire, challenge and amuse me. They teach, support and energize me. Most importantly, they love me and they are willing to be loved by me, in return.

My circle is wide. I won’t have it any other way.

I write a lot about happiness because, well, I am happy. It amazes me, at times. I know that I have oodles of reasons for being happy. But it’s the times when the ordinary overwhelms me that I am caught by surprise. I spend time thinking about the blessings in my life because I want to savor them, not take them for granted. 

Too often, we are swept up in the busy day to day demands of our lives and we overlook the really significant moments. This leads to feeling drained and empty. Taking a step away from the rat race isn’t always easy, but it’s worth the effort. In the most trying of days, there are things to celebrate. On the most mundane of days, there are things to savor.

Research agrees. I love it when I can back up my theories on life with real science. I’ve become a bit of a neuroscience nerd of late. It’s fascinating! Research shows that relationships, including marriage, friendships, work colleagues and even professional sports teams experience higher levels of commitment, intimacy, trust, and satisfaction when they celebrate more. 

Maybe we take for granted that our partners and coworkers know how we feel. It’s not enough – You have to show it. Acknowledging the little things that happen throughout the day has a positive effect on the success of your relationships. Fist pumping, back slapping and just saying ‘thank you’ go a long way.

I remember when our director, Marty, started giving out popcorn and lollipops at the mandatory monthly staff meetings as a way of recognizing people’s anniversaries with the Department. Some complained that it was frivolous and mocked the gesture, joking that their Rolex must be at the jewelers, being engraved. But Marty was not deterred. As time went on, we looked forward to the end of the staff meeting – Not just so it would finally be over, but for the celebration. We’d expectantly look around the room when the staff member’s name was announced and clap when they came forward to receive their “award.” There were even Ooos and Ahhhs when their number of years at the job exceeded ten. Often, it was a bright spot on an otherwise dismal Monday. 

All too often, we focus on the negative. There is certainly never a shortage. If you’re not exposed to a Negative Nellie at work, just turn on the news. Between the traffic, the girl at Dunkin’ Donuts screwing up your coffee and the Sox losing last night, it’s no wonder you arrive at the office in a snit. I challenge you to find something to celebrate. Appreciate someone and let them know it. If it’s a nice day outside, ask someone to walk with you to get lunch. 

If your day is ordinary and and unexceptional, feel the comfort in it. Savor the opportunity to enjoy the routine. 

People who are together romantically usually mark anniversaries by celebrating. What about friendships? They deserve to be honored, too. Whoop it up! Any relationship that you care about should be commemorated. 

Don’t wait for Hallmark to make it so. Send a card, write an eMail, pick up the phone. Give your coworker popcorn! Find something to celebrate. Savor the experience. It only takes a moment.

The human brain “is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive ones,” according to psychologist Rick Hanson, PhD. In other words, our memory records traumatic events in permanent marker and good times in pencil. We can recall painful, frightening or distressing circumstances in vivid detail. In contrast, most of our really good moments slip away.

I think evolution and survival are to blame. Our brains are wired to perceive peril, even where it doesn’t exist. Without fear, we’d walk into dangerous situations unaware. It’s better to suspect there’s a wolf waiting around the corner and be wrong than to nonchalantly approach the wolf without a clue. Have you ever worried yourself sick about something, only to feel foolish afterward because your imagination had gone way overboard? I know I have. That’s fear, keeping us alive.

If you were asked to describe a time when you were anguished, you’d easily provide a list. But asked about times when we were overjoyed, we draw a blank. It’s more difficult, at least. 

What can we do to ensure that the good stuff gets imprinted, along with the negative?

For one thing, we must be present. I don’t mean only physically, but full-on mentally and emotionally present. Somehow, we’ve been conditioned to under-react to delight. People often become uncomfortable when we jump for joy. They give us a sideways glance and avoid eye contact, rather than opening themselves to share our rapture. No wonder it doesn’t stick – we suppress it before we fully experience it!

If we are truly “in the moment,” our awareness of happiness is sharper, more acute. Joy is abundant, if we look for it: Better yet, if we expect it. So, how can we make sure it penetrates the grey matter? 

I have a little saying for times like these. “Who’s better than us right now?” It’s not intended to be boastful. Instead, it makes me really focus on the significance of the particular occurrence: Where I am, who I am with, what we are doing. I feel it more deeply. I make it stick.

Don’t be afraid to acknowledge moments of bliss. Bask in it! Tell someone about it. Write it down. Internalize the feeling. 

The J. Geils Band sang “And the good times are the best times. The bad times fade away. The good times are forever.”  Train your brain to remember the good stuff. Ask yourself often, “Who’s better than me right now?”

Ever feel like you are just “going through the motions” of your life and not really engaged in it? It’s something that happens to all of us, at one time or another. 

Sometimes, demands overwhelm us to the point that we become robotic – Determined to complete tasks at no further cost to us emotionally. Or, we get into a rut: Repeating the same series of actions every day or every week, until our eyes glaze over with indifference. We are in survival mode. It can happen in our jobs, our social lives and our relationships.

Surviving can be a good thing, right? Certainly, it beats the alternative! And there are times when surviving is all we can handle. For example, when we’ve suffered a loss such as the death of a loved one or a divorce: Going through the motions gets us past the pain and suffering. It’s comforting to feel the ordinary rhythm of our lives at times like that.

Those periods are temporary, hopefully. If you think about it, you probably know someone who lives their life that way. He or she has a routine work week and predictable weekends. It’s intentional. This is what is required to support their lifestyle – A nice home, a decent car, a couple of kids, a yearly vacation. They see themselves as successful. They are content: Nothing wrong with that!

But, for some of us, that’s not enough. We have a burning desire to stretch our minds by learning new things. There’s a hunger inside of us that we must feed by experiencing fresh adventures. Not content with merely surviving, we want to thrive!

What sets us apart?
Survivors have sight. They see things as they are. They are satisfied with present circumstances. They view the world with their eyes. 
Thrivers, however, have vision. We see things as they could be. We are forward thinkers. We see the world with a different lens – One that utilizes heart and soul. 
Survivors know who they are. They are right where they want to be. They are satisfied.
Thrivers know who they are but also know who they want to become. They know where they are going. They often appear discontent or restless.
Survivors have a plan. They follow a roadmap to get from point A to point B. 
Thrivers have a calling. They follow their passion, enjoying the journey, often diverting along the way to pursue other endeavors. 

Whichever you choose – Survive or thrive – Do so intentionally. Respect and enjoy those who live the other way. And, if surviving is leaving you feeling unfulfilled, think about a new personal endeavor. Spread your wings – You never know where it might lead, but you just might thrive!

I had dinner with a writer friend the other night. I’d known her years ago, from country line dancing class. At some point, we reconnected when one of us discovered that the other was also writing. Over wine and Irish coffees, we compared retirement philosophies. She told me a story about a hot dog truck she likes to visit on Friday nights. 

It started out as something she did with her husband as a way to relax after a busy week. After a while, they became familiar faces at the hot dog truck and they are friends with the owner of the business. A simple pleasure that she still enjoys, even if her husband is working and she has to go by herself. 

Recently, she was telling some other friends about it. Some of them said they had always wanted to try it, but had never been to the hot dog truck. They offered no viable excuses. They just had not done it, despite having a long standing desire and often driving right past. They had not had the experience.

It became a metaphor as we talked. Like me, she deliberately seeks new adventures, learns new things. We make plans, have lists. We do the things we think we’d like to try. We have the hot dog. Sure, it’s a luxury – not having to go to work every day. But you don’t have to change your world. Start small. Baby steps! I know people who retire and still have excuses instead of check marks on their list of goals.

My mother used to tell me, “It’s later than you think.” Whatever it is that you think you’d like to do, why not do it? At least, make a plan to do it. What are you waiting for? Go out there and have that hot dog!

(Thanks, Kathy!)

You are the star of your life. But who’s writing the script? Who are the supporting cast members? Who is directing?

Do you feel like you are going thru the motions every day, reacting to whatever forces are pushing and pulling (dragging?) you this way and that? Sometimes we get caught up in our environment, whether it be at work or home or in the community. We feel like we have no choice: We are helpless.

Why not cue the producer here? Don your best beret and shout, “CUT!” at the top of your lungs! Whether it’s Take 2 or Take 302, this is your life and it should look the way you want.

Easier said than done, right? Maybe. I’m not advocating that you quit your job or move to a deserted island. I worked in a position that constantly weighed me down with ever changing policies, procedures, meetings and a boatload of other extemporaneous bullshit. Sometimes, I felt like a minion, doing the king’s dirty work, always trying to make round pegs fit into square holes to satisfy the latest matrix of expectations. But I never lost sight of the one, true reason why I took the job in the first place – Way back before I was sucked into the machine and jaded by the cynics: I wanted to help people.

Thru trial and error, I sorted out all the things I was supposed to do and say. I kept the ones that were critical (i.e. Would prevent me from being fired.) I adapted a softer approach to some and I outright rejected others. I developed my own style within the confines of the system. 

Most importantly, I surrounded myself with like-minded people who shared my philosophy. I watched others and learned from them. And then – cue Frank Sinatra – I did it my way. 

You can, too. 

Stop being a victim. Take responsibility for where you are. You accepted the position, whether it’s a job, a home, a marriage or other relationship. Think back to the very beginning, when you were perhaps naive. What was your motivation? What was your dream? 

Now, what do you need to do to get back on track? If there are negative people holding you back, put some distance between yourself and them. If physical separation isn’t possible, then go for emotional space. Then, find people who empower you – Those who are accomplishing things that are aligned with your own goals. Observe. Learn. Borrow. Seek relationships with people you admire. Walk away from ones that bring you down.

This is your life and you only get one. Get back in that director’s chair! Fire the writers. Demand a new cast of supporting roles. After all, YOU are the star. Act like it!

Real friend or counterfeit? We’ve all have relationships where we couldn’t tell the difference. Maybe we think someone is a true friend, but are at a loss when they say something negative or hurtful. First, we blame ourselves, thinking we’re being overly sensitive. Perhaps we minimize it, telling ourselves that we must have misunderstood. Or maybe he or she was having a bad day. 

How can we tell the difference between constructive criticism and a hostile comment? It’s not always easy. If it’s an isolated incident, we might be right in assuming one of the scenarios above. Everyone has an off day now and then. Let it go. But, if the same friend habitually makes negative comments, there’s probably more to it.

I have a lot of friends who are proven fans. They are invested in me and in our relationship. They are supportive and genuinely happy for me when something good happens. And they are also there when not-so-good things happen. I cherish input from my friends. It gives me better perspective. It’s what makes life interesting.

Then, there is the other kind of friend. They are mostly quiet, whether things are great or when life is difficult. They make snarky comments on Facebook. When confronted, they claim to have been joking. But they don’t apologize or try to make amends.

I find that people show their true colors on social media. I have a few such “friends” who follow me, either on Facebook, Instagram or this blog. In most cases, they are quiet, but for an occasional dig. There have been a few times when their intentions were clearly motivated by jealousy. It’s pretty obvious (although I doubt they see it that way).

Nobody can possibly like everything I say and do. To be honest, you must be willing to risk being unpopular. I’m perfectly okay with that. You should be, too. If someone is being a Negative Nelly, don’t validate them by paying attention. If their comment bothers you, take a moment to consider the source. Constructive criticism is important if we want to grow and improve. But, if you don’t value the individual offering it, then don’t value the feedback. It’s that simple.

Know who your friends are. Ignore the rest. I’m learning, but it’s a process. You might be tempted to utilize the ‘ignore’ or ‘block’ function on media such as Facebook. I do not. Instead, I allow them the freedom to read my updates, my jokes and my wisdom. I have nothing to hide. When I receive a less than genuine comment, I leave it alone. Unacknowledged, it has no power. It serves mainly as a reflection of the character of the person who posted it. Silence is louder than anything I could possibly say.

Life is too short to spend energy on people whose intentions are less than genuine. If the friendship is not a two-way street, let it go. Eventually, it’ll be a dead end. And sometimes, that’s okay.