Be terrible at something. Go ahead – I’m giving you permission. Now, grant yourself the freedom to absolutely suck. 

You see, I have a theory. One of the biggest ways we limit ourselves is fear of failure. It’s a learned response that gets stronger as we get older. Young people try new things all the time. Parents sign kids up for soccer, piano lessons, ballet and all sorts of things that they end up being really terrible at doing. Nobody cares. Some of them, a really small percentage, go on to be proficient. The rest just try something else.

In our teens, we experiment with all sorts of new experiences. In fact – it’s expected – that we’ll try our hand at some really stupid, dangerous and even illegal things. If we survive – and most of us do – we are better off. We learn from it and it shapes us.

Moving into our twenties, we often follow a path that feels predestined: College, marriage, homeownership, reproducing, career. Many of us fail miserably while attempting at least one or two of these major life events. We try, we fail, we pick ourselves up and move on. Nobody blinks.

At some point, however, we become afraid to fail. We swear off committed relationships. We stay in an unfulfilling job. We stop learning new things because we don’t want to do it badly. 

We become stagnant.

Somewhere along the road, we get the message that growth is no longer a requirement. It’s not even an option. By the time we turn forty, it’s expected that we have accomplished all of the things we set out to do. We are mature. We are “settled.” 

We have stunted our own growth.

I used to have a pin collection. One of my favorites said, “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.” What if we returned to the days when it was perfectly acceptable to sign up for something because it sounded like fun? Or because our best friend was doing it? Or because we always wanted to try it?

People say to me, quite often, “I could never do that!” Sometimes, they are referring to my completing a manuscript for a novel. Sometimes, they mean starting and leading a meet-up group. Other times, they are talking about my dance class or learning to play the fiddle, at 60. 

The truth is, YES, you could do it. Or just about anything else. But there are just a few things you need to be willing to accept, first.

1. You’re never, ever too old to learn something new. In fact, the older, the better. Challenging your mind – and body – will not only help you live a longer life, but a better life.
2. It is absolutely, 100% okay to be a beginner. Allow yourself to fall down, to look ridiculous and to do something badly. Everyone started out that way and you’re no different. Get over yourself!
3. No matter what it is that you want to try, there is a whole community out there of people who are just dying to help you. They will teach you, support you, encourage you, guide you. Best of all, they will laugh with you when you screw up and celebrate with you when you succeed. 

Now, what are you waiting for? Put yourself out there. Risk not knowing everything. Ask for help. Do something new and do it badly. Laugh at yourself and keep trying. Learn. Grow. LIVE.

I recently spent the day on Block Island – One of my favorite places to be on a summer day. What makes an island unique and gives it such a special feeling? Why is it so easy to disconnect from everyday worries?

There are things we can learn from an island:

Don’t be afraid to stand alone. The island is not physically connected to any other land. Yet, millions of people feel a strong affinity to it. It’s possible to have the best of both worlds! Know when to exert your independence and when to come together with family and friends. 

Stay true to yourself but don’t be afraid to evolve with the changing tides and seasons. The island’s historical charms are still very much in evidence, from the Victorian style inns to the rocky outcroppings and tall, sandy bluffs. But, the coastline has been transformed through the years by the passing of time and other natural occurrences. The flavor of the island is different with the change of seasons – busy in summer, desolate in winter. As we move through life, we hold on to our most loved basic traits while accepting new characteristics that result from lessons learned and life well-lived. We learn to ebb and flow as things around us change.

Be welcoming to old friends and new. Pulling into Old Harbor on the ferry, you overhear snippets of conversations. Some families are returning for an annual vacation while other tourists are visiting for the very first time. Both feel a sense of anticipation, whether for familiar experiences or brand new ones. Everyone is greeted by the sandy beaches, festive shops, numerous pubs and inviting restaurants. You can hop in a taxi for an island tour, grab a walking map from the local chamber of commerce or rent a moped or a bicycle. We, too, can be a familiar comfort to old friends while opening ourselves and offering our gifts to strangers.

Own your history. We stopped by a stone memorial to read about the early settlers, including the Dutch explorer Adrian Block himself. In 1936, a troop of 90 soldiers arrived to “punish Indians,” thus starting the Pequot Indian War. Not the island’s best moment, for sure, but there it is, written in stone, for all to see. We may not be proud of our past, but it shapes us and contributes to who we become. To deny it is disregarding who we truly are.

Be a light in the darkness. The island has two beloved lighthouses that warn seafaring travelers that they are approaching. The lights are signals of both potential danger and warm recognition. It’s reassuring to captains to see the light and know they are on course. It’s heartening to visitors who are watching for the island to come into view when they see the first flash from North Light. We, too, can be both gentle guidance and loving solace to those we care about. 

Always make memories. Some people return to the island each summer. They repeat favorite activities, like the signature pineapple cocktail at Ballard’s Inn or hiking out to North Light. We always visit Southeast Lighthouse but my best memory is the very first time my grandson climbed to the top of the light tower: Or maybe the sunset one ferry ride home, watching the moonrise among the rich palette of colors. Each time we visit the island, we bring home new memories. We should always live in a manner that creates images we will hold dear for the rest of our lives – and some that will remain for future generations. Like the island, we can instill important life lessons in a way that ensures we live on forever, in the hearts of others.

Some days, I’m pretty cool. I am confident, unshakable. My shit is together. Then, there are the other kind of days. Take today, for example.

It started out okay. Then, I got out of bed. Back spasms seized me from every direction. I couldn’t stand. I couldn’t sit. And I had to pee. Badly. Do you know how difficult it is to aim for the toilet while contorted into a semi-pretzel shape? I don’t recommend it. Did I mention that we’re camping and the bathroom is 24 inches wide? Good times.

 
Old age – 1

Babs – 0

 

I drank 2 liters of coffee and swallowed a handful of Ibuprofen, then it was time to get dressed. Knowing we would eventually be heading to the pool, I decided to save the time and trouble of dressing twice. Gingerly, I put on my bathing suit. I can only compare the experience to that of making sausage. Thank God for the miracle of Lycra. I stuffed everything in it’s appropriate place (or as close as humanly possible) and exhaled. Then, I caught an accidental glimpse in the mirror. The horror! I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting off a wave of suicidal thoughts. I grabbed my cover-up. And hung it over the damned mirror.

 
Cellulite – 2

Babs – 0

 

At the pool, I set up my chair in the shade, determined to avoid any further attention. I cautiously lowered my butt into the chair, praying my back would not spasm until I was securely in position. No sooner had I gotten comfy, when a bumble bee the size of the Hindenburg decided to use me for target practice. I flailed about like a human windmill while a precious little girl wearing swimmies pointed at me and shrieked, “It’s on your back!” So much for garnering no attention. Or preventing back spasms. I resumed the pretzel position, poolside.

 
Mother Nature – 3

Babs – 0

 

Once I had recovered from the bombardiering bee, I decided to take a swim and cool off. Hoping the buoyancy would relieve the back pain, I inched into the frigid water. (I swear I saw ice in the deep end). It actually felt pretty good. I swam a bit and warmed up. I even frolicked with the grandkid. That is, until he decided we were playing a game in which I was assigned the role of the Beluga whale. Gently, I offered him the important advice that women generally do not appreciate being called whales – Particularly when they are wearing a bathing suit.

 
Grandkid – 4

Babs’ self confidence – 0

 

Finally, the kid is in bed. I’m sitting by the campfire with a glass of wine. Just me and what I’d guess to be about 16,000 gypsy moths. Their fuzzy little brown wings beat at my ears, flutter in my armpits, get caught in my hair. Eventually, they drive me inside the camper, where I read and drink my wine in peace. From my bed, I unzip the canvas and look up at a star filled sky while I think about what we’ll do tomorrow. The perfect ending to an imperfect day.

Some days you win, some days…. I am grateful for my sense of humor!

Women take care of each other. It’s what we do. I’m not convinced that it’s strictly biological or the result of family and cultural expectations. I just know it’s true. I am grateful. 

Case in point: Safety pins. 

On a recent Friday night, my friend Dotti was participating in a local Relay for Life event. She is a two-time Cancer survivor. She was part of a team called Carol’s Angel’s, in honor of another dear friend who lost her battle 10 years ago. We decided to surprise Dotti by showing up to walk a few laps with her. Of course, we never do anything without a theme – and costumes. We had coordinating tee-shirts and wings. Yes, I said wings. 

You know the saying – “Angels exist but sometimes they don’t have wings and are called friends.” We arrived decked out with wings from the Dollar Store, designed for children. They had elastic bands which might not stretch to fit our middle-aged torsos. Just in case, I brought a ziplock baggie full of safety pins. Smart, right?

Well, Connie arrived, with safety pins. Kathie brought safety pins. Janet arrived with – you guessed it – safety pins. Donna? Safety pins. We had enough safety pins to accommodate Heaven’s army of angels. A few of the elastic straps broke and we did use a few of the pins. Like always, we were over-prepared.

We hit the track and started walking. I’m not sure if we found Dotti or she found us. There were lots of tears. Lots of hugs. You see, that’s another thing we’re good at – we celebrate. Everything. We gather, wearing festive garb and lots of bling. We bring food. We laugh. We cry. We love one another through whatever it is. Good or bad.

Angels do exist, of that I am certain. Despite the popular saying, mine happen to have wings. And safety pins – Lots of safety pins. 

I watched a short video the other day by a young man who had spent time talking with elderly people – those nearing the end of their lives. He asked them to tell him about their journeys. Without exception, he said, their stories began with, “I wish.” Looking back on decades of life, their first thoughts were of what they didn’t do. 

Missed opportunities for love, education, travel and time spent with family are among the leading sources of regret. People do not regret the things they did, but rather, the things they did not do. They wish they had taken the risk and gone after their dream job, rather than listen to their parents or take the position that seemed like a safe choice. They wish they had been honest about their feelings toward someone whom they believed could not or would not love them. They wish they had taken that vacation, even if it meant spending a chunk of their savings. They wish they had been better parents, spent more time with their children when they were small, said yes more often.

Why is it that we seldom regret the things we did? When our days on earth are numbered, we don’t look back and think, I wish I’d never married that woman. I wish I’d never bought that car. I wish I’d never moved to that house….

I think it’s because we are good at finding the lessons in things we did wrong. Every mistake has a silver lining, right? If I hadn’t married that woman, I wouldn’t have two great kids! I might have totaled that car, but I was so lucky to be alive! If I had never bought that house, I wouldn’t have met my best friends!

Regret is a great teacher. Every wrong move holds a life lesson that shapes who we are – who we become. But what are we to do with the things that might have been?

It brings to mind the old adages of tombstones never saying, “Here lies Jim. He should have worked more hours.” Or, “Here lies Mary. Her house sure was clean!” Yet, day in and day out, these are the decisions we often make: Sometimes, for good reasons – We have bills to pay, a family to raise. But, when we reach the end of our days, we see things differently. Time becomes a much more flexible and valuable commodity. Money – not so much. 

Think about your life from a different perspective – Try to imagine that you are nearing the end. If you had it to do over, what would you do differently? What missed opportunities make you say, “I wish…” and, more importantly, what are you going to do about it?

Maybe you’ve heard of Meatless Mondays. There are several organizations and agencies that promote the idea of eating a meatless diet one day a week. Research says that even such a small change can have a huge impact – On your health and on the world. Even if you’re not concerned with your environmental footprint or animal welfare, you probably want to decrease your chances of developing heart disease, diabetes and cancer, right?

People have lots of reasons to make the move to a vegetarian or vegan diet. It takes a strong commitment and a lot of sacrifice, at least initially. Then, there are those who make smaller changes, usually for less noble reasons. I stopped eating beef and pork 35 years ago. I just wanted to cut some fat out of my diet. After a year of successful weight loss, I tried to eat red meat again. It made me violently ill. So, other than a nice crispy slice of bacon a few times a year, I stay away. 

I still eat dairy products, as well as poultry and seafood. But these days, I limit carbs and dairy. The reason is simple: I feel so much better. I have way more energy and far less aches and pains. It’s not a diet – Just a matter of making healthy choices, most of the time. If I’m out and my friends are ordering pizza, I enjoy it. But the next day, I feel groggy and foggy if I’ve over indulged. It gets me back on track because I do not want to feel that way.

The biggest challenge to restricting meat and dairy is getting enough protein. Unless you eat a decent amount of protein in every meal, you’re going to get hungry again – Fast. So, what you are eating in place of meat makes a difference. Otherwise, there are so many alternatives to eating meat and dairy products that it makes it easy. There’s no shortage of information, support and delicious recipes out there.

Here’s a recipe that is fairly easy and very delicious. I challenge you to go meatless one day a week. If Monday doesn’t work for you, choose another day. You might be surprised how good the food tastes and how satisfied you are. Pay attention to how you feel the next day.

If you want to limit your carbs, there are tons of alternative pastas readily available in your grocery store. Or check out Fiber Gourmet, online. You won’t even know the difference, I promise!!

Maya Angelou said it best:

It’s such a simple thing, to do right. Whenever we’re standing at a crossroad and need to make a decision – Just do right. We always know what the right thing is. But, sometimes, we don’t see it. We don’t even look for it. Our emotions cloud our view and influence our actions.  How many times have you done something other than the right thing because you were angry? Or jealous? Or because it was self-serving? 

What if, instead, we took a step back and asked ourselves, “what is the right thing to do?” My guess is that the best path would immediately become clear. All negative emotion would be removed from our action. Our decision would be clear. It would be one with which we could live. We might even feel good about it. We would not have to repeatedly justify our actions to ourselves or anyone else. We did what was right. Maybe it didn’t feel especially satisfying in the moment. Perhaps our friends didn’t understand our motivation, initially. But they’ll come around: They have to, because we did the right thing.

As we grow older, we become aware of changes in our bodies and we need to work a little harder at our general conditioning. Habits that seemed harmless when we were in our 20s, like smoking, drinking and eating badly, become more detrimental. Our workouts or exercise routines might be a bit gentler these days, but we are more reliable about sticking with it. We are no longer determined to rock that bikini but more interested in adding quality, and perhaps years, to our lives.

But what about our brain health? We focus on our bodies – our weight, blood pressure, skin tone, stiffening joints – but we often neglect the very thing that controls them, that regulates EVERYTHING else. What can we do to preserve our most precious organ and therefore promote both physical and mental health?

Physical exercise actually benefits our brand more than you’d think. If you’re a runner, you are familiar with endorphins and likely run as much for mental health as physical. Science backs that up. Research strongly suggests that exercise prompts new neural connections. A 2007 study found that exercise stimulates neural connections in the part of the brain responsible for age-related memory decline. So, give your brain a workout!

Keep learning – There is a clear connection between advanced education and good cognitive functioning. Mentally stimulating activities like reading, taking classes or playing a musical instrument can improve your cognitive functioning. 

Reduce toxins: Besides the obvious, like don’t sniff glue, there are other things we can do to protect our grey matter. (Stand upwind when pumping gas, for example.) But we should also be careful about alcohol consumption, which works by depriving brain cells of oxy­gen. 

Avoid inflammation: When our immune systems react to an infection, it sends chemicals called cytokines throughout our bodies. Cytokines can linger in the brain, leading to unstable moods and even Depression. Practice habits that reduce colds and flu, like washing your hands often. Avoid foods that activate your immune system. For example, many people have allergic reactions to gluten grains or dairy products. Consider drastically reducing one or both in your diet for two weeks and see if you notice a difference in your mental (or physical) health.

Minimize stress – easier said than done, I know. I’ve been reading a lot about Cortisol, the steroid hormone produced in the adrenal gland. It suppresses the immune system and also decreases bone growth. Cortisol inhibits memory. Hydrocortisone is a name for Cortisol as a prescribed medication. Prednisolone can also be used as cortisol replacement. Compared to hydrocortisone, prednisolone is about four times as strong in it’s anti-inflammatory effect. Dangerous stuff, if taken long term, yet doctors seem to be prescribing it more and more. Another reason to work at remaining healthy and avoiding infections. So, take a walk, learn to meditate – do whatever you can to reduce your stress!

Maintain our blood sugar levels: Cortisol is also released in response low blood-glucose concentration in our blood. Avoid spikes in your blood sugar by eating a balanced diet and regular exercise (of course!)  

Diet – scientists have determined that certain nutrients are associated with improved cognitive function (memory). Eating a diet full of them helps you protect your brain.

• Dark chocolate                           
• Cruciferous vegetables (broccoli, spinach)
• Omega-3 fatty acids (salmon, tuna)                
• Magnesium (supplements or spinach, pumpkin seeds, yogurt, almonds, black beans, avocados, figs, dark chocolate and bananas) 
• Walnuts                                       
•  Green tea
•  Blueberries

Be grateful! I know that is sort of trendy. But I’ve seen some studies that say regularly practicing and expressing gratitude helps our brains to feel happiness and to have a more positive outlook. We can actually transform the way we view the world. By spending a few minutes every day listing three things for which we are grateful, we automatically start to see more positive things in our lives! That, my friends, betters our chances of succeeding at just about everything else.

Our brains control all of our other bodily systems. It is the source of our thoughts, emotions, creativity, joy and sorrow. Without question, it is the most important organ in our bodies. I find that dancing keeps my brain challenged by learning and remembering the steps while also giving me a cardio workout. Walking has double benefits, too – it’s my thinking time. I can tell you, from experience, that learning to play a musical instrument is cognitive AND emotional calisthenics! And who doesn’t like an excuse to eat dark chocolate?!
         

 One morning, I was sitting by a lake, alone, enjoying my tranquil surroundings. Looking up at the beautiful sky, I saw that the wispy clouds were surrounding a patch of blue that was shaped – almost perfectly – Like a heart! It was truly amazing. It was my most favorite shade of sky blue. I reached for my camera. But, the clouds were moving and I missed the shot. In the few seconds it took me to look away to release the lens cap and turn the camera on, the heart had morphed into an unrecognizable form. 

Disappointed to have lost a great opportunity, I consoled myself with having witnessed such an unusual and ethereal vision. The experience is what really mattered, but it brought to mind some other great shots that I’ve missed and lived to regret. Unlike the millions of photographs that I have taken over the past few decades, I most vividly recall some of the ones I failed to take. 

For example, there was the time I was visiting the Grand Canyon and got up at 5:00am to photograph the sunrise. Creeping carefully along the rim, in the predawn mist, we drove right thru a herd of about about 40 elk. Holding my breath, I pressed the button to lower the window. I raised my camera and focused. The elk got spooked and fled. All I managed to capture was some blurry images of elk butts retreating into the fog. I cherish the memory of the sight of those wild creatures staring at me in the morning mist (But, oh, how I wish I had a photo!)

A very close friend once told me the story of how she visited her childhood home for the final time after her mother had passed away. The personal touches and sentimental objects had been removed and distributed among family members and charities. The house had been sold. She wandered from room to room, stopping to snap a photo of each one. When she got home, she took the roll of film and placed in on a little shelf in her kitchen. There was no plan to develop the pictures. The scenes were stored in her mind, she said, and that was enough. The experience left her with what she needed.

Sometimes, a memory is all we need. It can be far more powerful than a snapshot. And infinitely more intimate. We can pull it out and reflect on it whenever we want, no matter where we are. No photoshop required – no frame, no nail. The ‘lens’ in our mind has capacities no regular camera has. My memories, for example, often include sounds, scents and emotions that would never be captured by a 4 X 6 print or a digital image. On my last visit to the beach of the season, last September, I closed my eyes and took in the sounds of waves crashing and seagulls squawking. I Inhaled the salty air. Then I opened my eyes and took in the sky, the water, the sand, the rocky jetty and the faraway outline of Block Island. I committed it all to memory – One that I could pull out during the cold, grey winter ahead. (And I did – many times!)

What precious memories live in the recesses of your mind? Perhaps the face of a loved one who has passed on? Can you hear his or her voice? Feel their touch? Or is it the view from a favorite vacation day, overlooking a distant mountain or skyline? Can you close your eyes  and return, just for a moment?

Perhaps one day I’ll look up and see another perfect sky-blue heart. Rather than squander the precious moment fidgeting with my camera, I think I’ll just breathe it in and create a memory, instead. 

How do you measure success? It means something different to everybody, I suspect. Society defines it as having financial security and respect as the result of a lucrative career. Add in a nice home and stable family life and you’ve officially “made it.” But that doesn’t necessarily encapsulate success for me.

All of that is great, of course – IF that is your dream and your heart’s desire. To me, success is much more personal and something that cannot be measured by society. I was never one to consider what “they’re” all doing or saying. (Who are ‘they,’ anyway?!)

Success isn’t always pretty. It comes from fierce determination and following your heart when everybody tells you otherwise. It often follows on the heels of a mistake (or several). The best kind of success rises from the ashes of failure. It is not the result of pursuing the status quo, but of building a life based on vision – Your vision.

More simply, if you are happy, then you are successful. I don’t mean the smiling, liking the moment happy, although that certainly has it’s own merits. I’m talking about a deeper contentment. A deep, personal satisfaction with where you are in life. 

Here is an exercise that I saw recently to help redesign your life to ensure that you are working toward your vision for success. Make a list of the things you want from life – It can be things like strong family bonds, a clean/green home, an intimate relationship, to be close to nature. Take your time and really think about it. Next, make a list of the things you do routinely: Include your job, regular activities, leisure/hobby ventures.

Compare the two lists. Check of the things on the second list that are in alignment with or support the things on the first. Cross off the things that do not contribute, in some way, to your visions.

Are your actions leading you toward your vision of success? Are you spending your precious time and energy building the kind of life you want?

Identify your role models in life – people who lead the kind of life that you admire. Ask them, if you can, how they achieved the things or qualities that you admire? Understand that it’s a process and that it takes work, sacrifice and patience. It is the result of lessons learned and risks taken.

Think about what success means to you. When you look back on your life, what will bring you pride? What will you regret not doing? It’s never too late to change your focus or tweak your existence. You can reinvent yourself, if that’s what you decide is required. 

You only get one life. Make it one that you can Iive with!