Change is good. Even when it’s difficult. That’s just one of the many life lessons we have shared here. No matter what, things do change. They don’t always turn out the way we planned. 

Without your support, comments and encouragement, it would never have come so far. Many of you stuck by me during the lean months, when there was little being published here and I thank you.

Going forward, my blog is taking a new direction. The one thing I have learned about this craft is that your best bet is to write what you know. Well, my adventures have been unforeseen and I feel compelled to use those experiences now. My writing has been a source of comfort to me. It has also been thought provoking and, when I needed it most, humorous. It has been a journey in self discovery. Happily, I have reached a point where I am ready to share more of that writing in the hope that others might find those things here, too.

It’s not for everyone. Some of you may no longer relate to my topics. There will be some gut wrenching sadness, some dark humor and some outrageous and brutal truths. It will be deeply personal. Most of all, my wish is that it will be courageous and hopeful. 

I am compelled to share because I believe that my work has literary value and is worth reading. I think that the need to overcome challenges and loss are such common experiences that others might benefit from any exchanges that result. I don’t have to look very far to find others whose stories are far more devastating than mine. We all suffer, to varying degrees. We can lessen the pain and discover hope by inspiring one another. Every individual journey is different. No one walks their path alone, although it often feels that way.

No harm done if it’s not your cup of tea. I welcome all of my readers and hope to attract some new followers. We all deal with change. It is my hope that you will find some common threads with which you identify. Please share the blog whenever you find something that might appeal to a friend or colleague.

Now, fasten your seatbelt. Welcome to my fabulous life…..

October is my favorite month of the year. Mother Nature is chaotic, like I often feel. She undergoes dramatic change. She transforms. The first days of October cling to summer’s remnants. But Autumn soon has her way. The lush green turns to bold hues of red, orange and gold. Tropical storms blow the winds of change thru the air. There are warm, sunny days. Nights are cold and so clear that the stars dance above our widened eyes. It’s not unusual to see the season’s first snowflakes. Or to have a final beach day. It’s all so amazingly unpredictable.

By the middle of the month, if you live in New England, the colors are spectacular. If we’re lucky, we still scramble for the last tomatoes and corn of the year. We seek comfort in sweaters, scarves and boots. Night falls early and evenings are perfect for campfires. At the close of the month, we light our walkways with carved pumpkins – their orange-yellow glow often the only bright color that remains…. Their warm, soft candlelight a sign of things to come.

The irony is that all the beauty happens because things are dying. Or, preparing for a long, deep sleep, in many cases. Nature tests our faith. We bemoan the cold, bleak darkness. But we know Spring will come around, her warmth forcing buds on the barren trees, bulbs from the frozen ground. 

It can be unsettling, this metamorphosis. We reluctantly give up our control. Some days, we complain. Some days, we embrace it. Either way, it happens all around us. It’s unpredictably predictable…. And it’s always beautiful. 

Sometimes, the very thing you’re looking for is right in front of you.

We are curious creatures: Some, more than others. We are seekers – of information, entertainment, stimulation. We look for bargains. We pursue the truth. We look for love. We search for happiness. There are times, I believe, that the hunt becomes more important than the goal. We get so wrapped up in the process that we lose sight of that which we seek.

Recently, at work, my partner and I worked a case where we had few leads. We are charged with finding extended family members of children who have been placed in foster care. We spent hours utilizing our fancy (and expensive) search engines and databases. Our oversized monitors displayed lots of dead ends. Family members we reached out to by phone were not helpful and calls went unreturned.

In desperation, we decided to take a road trip and check out an address that kept surfacing for an aunt. She was home and agreed, reluctantly, to speak with us. We attempted to impress her with our fancy, computer generated genogram (diagram of the family tree), despite many empty spaces where contact information should have been. 

She asked if we had looked in the phone book. My partner and I successfully resisted the urge to roll our eyes. She then produced the whitepages – from 2014. Yup – an actual made-from-trees, paper book. It was like looking at a dinosaur. Much to our professional horror, she then proceeded to read aloud the addresses and telephone numbers of several extended family members in the area.

Duh. She schooled us, right there on her front porch. We were humbled, to say the least. Neither of us had thought to use the oldest and most reliable resource of all. We retreated to our office, grateful for the information, but with our tails tucked firmly between our legs.

The lesson is this: If you are a seeker, start close to home. Look first at what has worked for you in the past. If it’s happiness you crave, look within yourself. If it’s love you desire, take a good look at the people already in front of you. If you need a job, go back to what you know. Follow your instincts. Follow your heart. Work outward, from there.

Don’t neglect the obvious. That which you seek might be within you. Or, it may be right in front of you.

I spend a lot of time around people who are good listeners. Maybe that’s because of the nature of my work. People in the helping professions are trained listeners and interviewers – social workers, therapists, group facilitators. In my personal life, however, good listeners are not so abundant. It’s just not something that is taught, unless your course of study includes a vocation that require a good ear.

Being a good listener comes in handy, even if you don’t do it professionally. We all have family and friends with whom we interact. Even if you’re just describing your day to your significant other, you want to be heard. If you’re confiding about something that hurt you or scared you, you want to feel understood and supported. If you’re angry, you want to feel validated.  

Hopefully, we want to do the same for our friends who rely on us to be a fair sounding board. It’s not always easy. I once learned a technique called “reflective listening.” It included reframing the storyteller’s words and responding in kind, also identifying their emotion. However, this can and has been overused, often at nauseum. It might sound something like this:

    
       Friend: “I cannot believe that idiot promised to call me and I haven’t heard from him in a week.”

       Listener: “So, you haven’t heard from him in seven days.”

       Friend: “Just wait until I see him again. I’m going to give him a piece of my mind!”

       Listener: “Sounds like you’re angry.”

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Another mistake we often make is to reply by sharing about the time the same thing happened to us. While it can be helpful to demonstrate to someone that we know how they feel, we risk taking the attention away from a friend who really needs to share more of their story. Resist the temptation to make it about you, at least until your friend is finished.

There are many non-verbal cues we can use to encourage someone to keep talking. Sometimes, not saying anything at all allows time for the talker to gather their thoughts and continue. You can nod reassuringly, to let them know that you are, in fact, listening. You can raise your eyebrows as a signal that they should tell you more.

When you do respond, choose your words and tone carefully. Nobody wants to feel like they’re on the witness stand in an episode of Law & Order. Be gentle. Ask questions that will encourage more sharing, perhaps at a deeper level. If you’re not sure you comprehend exactly what is being said, ask for clarification.

Sometimes, it’s difficult to know what to say or how to react. The important thing is that we are sincerely and genuinely interested and concerned. “I’m so sorry that happened to you” conveys empathy. “What can I do to help you get beyond this?” Let’s them know they are not alone. “What do you wish had happened, instead?” Helps them identify exactly where their feelings originated.

Don’t be afraid to touch a friend on the arm, offer a tissue or even a hug, if appropriate. Be the kind of listener that you would want, if you were in their shoes. Someday, you will be.

In the coming weeks, we’ll all be bombarded by media bites about mothers. But that is just one of the roles most women have played. And, while it is perhaps the most important one, it defines only a portion of who we are. The second Sunday in May can be painful for those who have lost a mother, have lost a child or who never became a mother. Instead, I prefer to celebrate women for all of their complicated layers – for their infinite worth and immeasurable value.

Girl power. Female fortitude. Women sticking together. Call it what you want. It’s a unique phenomenon, foreign to those who have not been fortunate enough to witness or experience it. 

I’m not much of a feminist. But I know a good thing when I see one. All my life, I have been stronger because of the women in my life. As a young child, my mother and my grandmothers were my role models. Their options in life were much more limited than mine are. But their convictions were not. 

My Nana, Florence, arrived at Ellis Island at the age of 22 with her husband and a baby. She worked hard and bought a house. She had three more babies before losing her husband when her youngest, my mother, was only nine-years-old. She remained in that house until her death at the age of 92. She still wore her wedding rings and slept in the same bed she had shared with my grandfather, refusing to replace it. And she never traded in her citizenship of England. She was loyal and fiercely independent. 

My paternal grandmother, Grace, worked outside the home and bought herself a Ford Mustang convertible in her later years. She was outspoken and you always knew where you stood with her. She had her own style. And she didn’t care who liked it or who didn’t.

My mother, Barbara, was a nurturer. She, among other talents, was an extraordinary homemaker. She made sure I knew how to act in public (some might say she was remiss!) and she was responsible for my religious and spiritual growth. In a time when a woman’s role was well defined, she embraced every aspect of it. She was first and foremost a wife and a mother. She was selfless and tenacious in her womanhood.

There were others along the way who influenced me: Aunts, neighbors, teachers, coworkers. My best friend’s mother, growing up, Eileen, was an amazing woman. In a time when single parents were rare, she was raising seven children, by herself. Their small house never felt so. Despite the number of inhabitants, it was always calm and orderly. She was gentle and soft spoken but she had a firm, non-negotiable bottom line. She raised each of her seven children to become responsible, kind, successful adults. Show me a family that can make that same claim today. 

Nowadays, the strong women who surround me are mostly friends. We have reached a place in our lives when it’s likely that we’ve known one another for several decades. We have supported each other thru the births, and in some cases, the deaths, of our children. There have been long, happy marriages and divorces; serious illnesses, loss of parents and spouses, new homes, new careers, and countless celebrations. 

In my life, I have had many good friends who were not women. I cherish them and benefit enormously from the different perspective they provide. I am not – and never will be – a man hater. That’s not what this is about. It’s just that women give each other something that they cannot get elsewhere. Perhaps it comes from knowing what it’s like to walk a mile in each other’s heels, or Nikes, or Birkenstocks. Maybe it’s because we share a similar history of another generation of women who molded us. 

All I know for sure is that the women in my life are there when I need them. No question. No hesitation. They are never too busy. They are there like nobody else. They are there with a vengeance. They are strong, loyal, nurturing and selfless. They are braver than anyone I know. They love unconditionally.

Recently, I spent a few days traveling and training with five amazing new women in my life. We quickly bonded and shared the beautiful differences as well as the commonalitiebetween us. I love knowing that, no matter how full my life becomes, there is always room for my circle to grow.

For Florence, Grace, Barbara, Eileen and all of the women in my world: Thank you. You continue to influence me as I evolve into the woman I am. For my current friends and colleagues, ministers and writers, fiddlers and choir mates, I salute you. You are my all sisters and I am eternally grateful. I celebrate each of you, every day. I couldn’t do it without you.

Faithful readers,
Thank you for your incredible patience these past several months while I neglected my writing here. It’s not that I wasn’t writing at all. Rather, my writing took on a different direction and purpose – One I did not deem suitable for the blog.

Life is unpredictable and our plans sometimes get derailed without warning. Moving forward, there have been so many bright spots – That is where I will resume our shared experiences here. 

When I began this blog, little did I know that many of the topics I explored and shared with you here were actually previews of the strengths that would see me through the coming year. I often preach that the universe gives us what we need – All it takes is faith and an open heart and mind. Do what is right, not what is easy. Be true to yourself. Empty your bucket but know when and where to refill. Be a fountain, not a drain. Love is all there is.

All of these lessons, and more, have come full circle for me. I’ve had to live by my own words – a sometimes daunting and often humbling experience. Without them, I might have floundered helplessly. Instead, I am living my life intentionally.
I was temporarily knocked out of the driver’s seat. But I’m back at the wheel and going places. Without the give and take of mutual understandings here, I’m not sure that I would have navigated the storm so well. Your support means more to me than you’ll ever know.

Now that the dust is settling around me, I am writing again. It feels great! I’m not exactly certain what direction the blog might take, as my experiences will surely have an impact. By my goal is to return to writing something on a weekly basis.

One thing I have learned is that you don’t necessarily need to see the top of the ladder to take the first steps. I was climbing blind these past months but felt the hands of my angels at my back. Things have fallen into place with remarkable synchronicity. The gifts that have been delivered to me have arrived with amazing timing. There are few coincidences in this life. I am truly blessed.

Wherever life is taking you, believe that you are right where you should be. Know that you will land on your feet. If you can’t feel it in your heart, recognize it with your mind. Trust the journey. Above all, never stop learning, growing and evolving into the best you can be. Some of the best days of your life lie ahead of you, still.

I came across a graphic with a quote I liked. It compared rebuilding your life to having a room redecorated. Things get messy and moved around. There is much uncertainty. But you know that, when it’s all over, everything will be fresh, new and better than ever. I like the idea that my life is being renovated. It shines a light of hope into an often dark and disordered time.

It’s so easy to fill the days before a major life change with busy work. There’s a longer than usual ‘to do’ list and a looming deadline. Extra adrenaline coursing thru my veins helps me get things done, most days. But I’ve discovered that I also need to make an effort to allow myself some space. Backing off from the many commitments that usually crowd my calendar has been key to my flickering sanity. I need time to hear myself think – to process and ponder. There has been time to plan healthy meals and to take solitary hikes. The range of emotions had been staggering. There has been pain, sadness, grieving and anger. There has also been wonder, freedom, opportunity and hope. The best gift I have given myself is to allow all of these, and more, to flow thru me freely.

Sometimes, I retreat and avoid situations that require social interactions that are taxing. Other times, I actively seek the company of others. It might be someone with whom I can be real, even when it’s not pretty. I quickly learned where I feel safe and not judged. Or, it might be someone new, with whom I can escape my old life for a few hours. I make no apologies and know that those close to me, who truly care about me, will understand my need to be selfish.

During these times, I have learned something else: That fear is my friend. I have sat with my fears and stared them down. Then, I listened closely. Fear shows you the places where you need to be nurtured in order to overcome obstacles and accomplish goals. The absence of fear is faith. Sometimes you have to dig down deep to restore your faith in yourself. Nobody can do it for you. And you won’t find it externally.

There is comfort in familiar, routine experiences: Spending an annual weekend away with good friends, hanging out at home with my grandson. These keep me grounded. They remind me what’s important when things are either falling apart or falling away from me. 

In addition to giving myself space, I am also showing myself compassion. When wrestling with trepidation, shame, doubt or disappointment, it helps to approach yourself the way you might treat a friend who is experiencing something similar. When my emotions are raw, I call it quits and do whatever it takes to recover and move forward. It might mean curling up with a cup of tea, my favorite blanket and my writing. Or, it might mean a margarita (or two) and a dance floor. 

There are many blessings in my life: The luxury of time, good health, countless friends and love of family. These are things that have been cultivated over time. Now, I’ve added the gifts of space and grace. It has made all the difference.

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I am republishing a piece from last year. I think it’s worth reading again – I hope you’ll agree.
Babs XO

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We all grapple with the big questions. As young adults, we seek our path as we try to identify a career, a mate, a home. “What is the meaning of life?” When the business of living is in full swing, we are often too busy to study the big picture. But, when it all becomes too much, we speculate – We reexamine our choices. Some persevere, others walk away. Later in the journey, we accept what was, while looking ahead with a sharper eye, knowing time is limited. “What is the meaning of MY life?”

I tend to be a ‘big picture’ person. Philosophy, experience, religion, science all lend themselves to help see the connections between us and the world. They all give our lives meaning. Our relationships become clearer – we are linked to one another and to the universe.  

Much of those schools of thought are man-made. Books have been written that endured generations. Lessons have been learned, laws have been written. Great minds have shown us ways to interpret data: Our parents, teachers, ministers, poets. We absorb, process, accept or reject. We arrive at each stage of our lives with a deeper understanding of who we really are and where we are going. (Hopefully).

But, still. What does it all mean?
There is one single, common denominator. It’s not man made. It precedes all else. It is the basis for all other reasoning and yet, it defies all logic. Everything you’ve ever heard, learned or experienced began there: Love.

It exists within each of us and drives everything we do. Religion teaches us that it begins with God’s love. Psychologists believe our mother’s love shapes us. We all seek romantic love. Self-help gurus urge us to love ourselves. Our children initiate us toward unconditional love. We love our friends, our pets, our grandkids. We profess it. We need it. We pursue it. We are burned by it. Without a doubt, it is the most over-used word in the English language. 

Love exists in your heart. Everyday. You don’t have to do anything – it’s just there. Always. Even on days when you don’t feel it. There is a never-ending supply. It cannot be depleted, only multiplied. The more you give away, the more there is. No matter what you’re feeling or going through, love is there. We are born with it and we die with it. No matter how many times or how badly you screw it up, love remains. It’s the only constant we have. It’s steadfast, continuous, perpetual and unending. 

It is life’s one, perfect gift. 

Love one another. Show love to strangers you meet. Act in love to your family. Tell your friends, “I love you.” Vow to love someone who is difficult to love. It’s worth the effort. The more you give, the more you gather. 

Love is the answer. Just love. The rest will take care of itself.

Whenever someone walks out of my life, I always look for the lesson. There are both warm memories and painful ones. Eventually, the bad stuff fades and I hold on dearly to the good. But the teaching most often lies within the difficult times.

I’ve always believed that people come into our lives for a reason. They bring us something we need. Often, what we need is to be challenged in some way – to be pushed in a new direction or to have a mirror held up in front of our faces so that we see ourselves differently.

What if we also wondered why we were brought into their lives? Could it be that their lesson was the polar opposite of ours? Suppose you needed to learn how to depend on someone else and you met a generous and willing individual who offered you that opportunity. Might it be that he benefits from trusting someone (you) to rely on him without taking advantage or using him? Or, the lesson for him might be something completely separate. We never really know what we’re giving to someone else. I think this is true of chance acquaintances as well as true relationships. We seldom realize our impact, whether on someone we meet briefly or long term.

Why do we only seek the lesson after someone leaves? I’m going to be a better student and start to wonder earlier. Not to say that everyone I encounter will be given constant scrutiny and analyzing. That would certainly put a damper on the ability to enjoy the person’s presence in my life! But I think a general awareness might be worthwhile and will actually enhance the experience. 

Recently, I came to know someone like that. We became friends and spent time together. Then we argued and went our separate ways. Around Thanksgiving, our paths intersected again and we renewed the friendship. Once again, it didn’t last. Each time it ended, I felt badly and experienced loss. We are once again trying to fit into each other’s lives. I asked the question, “are we crazy for doing this?” We laughed about it. But, I wonder…. What is the lesson? Why does the universe keeping placing this individual in my path? What am I missing? Perhaps, there is something I am supposed to give – possibly, I am the teacher. Moving forward, I will keep my heart and mind open.

Are you the pupil or the mentor? My guess is that we are both. In all things, there is give and take, yin and yang. The balance isn’t going to be perfect. More likely, it’s fluid. 

I hold on to people and find it extremely difficult to let go. Relationships can change, roles can evolve, if you’re both flexible. There are times, of course, when people leave. Keeping a piece of them with us can be achieved by internalizing what they taught us. If you can’t save the friendship, save the message. Leave everyone a little better for having known you. The universe sends us what we need. In return, offer your own energy and be what someone else needs. It’s subtle, but powerful. Look for the lesson. Save the message. Embrace the opportunity. In knowing someone else, you come to a better understanding of yourself.

I’m not big on resolutions. I believe we should always be looking for ways to improve ourselves and our lives. But sometimes, it’s helpful to have the kind of deadline that New Years provides. It’s a clearly defined new beginning, or a line in the sand, if you will.

If you’re expecting a blog about dieting, exercising, quitting smoking or random acts of kindness, move along – There’s nothing to see here. Not that I have anything against those kinds of goals. But they’re pretty obvious choices and my mission here is to challenge us – to think outside the box.

So, this year, 2017, I am going to suggest that you stand for something. Think about the past year: There must have been something that happened- or did not happen – that still sticks in your craw. Some nagging little regret that you could have or should have done something, but did not. Was there something you wanted to see turn out differently? It could have been something personal, that happened to you. Or maybe some injustice you witnessed. Perhaps there was a decision that you were ardent about, but did not act upon and later were disappointed by the outcome.

We all get too busy, too complacent to act on things, even when we are fervent about them. Now is the time to identify and isolate that enthusiasm. Did you mean to learn more about the food you eat? Take a stand against GMOs? Do you feel strongly about animal rights? Did the changing political landscape leave you disappointed? Maybe the national scene is overwhelming, but there are plenty of ways to effectively make changes at the local level by becoming involved. On a more personal level, were you slighted or misunderstood because of your inability to express yourself? Don’t let that opportunity slip thru your hands again!

Whatever cause you choose, take a stand in 2017. Make your voice heard, even if it’s only among your friends and family. Find your passion. Make a difference. Be an inspiration. Change a life – even if it’s your own!

 You’ll find support from unlikely sources and that will deepen those relationships. You’ll learn from dissenters who hold opposite views. You’ll earn respect from both sides. 

 Not only will you accomplish something that’s important to you, but you’ll become more fully engaged in your community and in the world around you. And THAT’s a goal I can get behind.