Last evening,  I talked with some pretty awesome people. They are individuals that I once had the privledge of calling colleagues. We were gathered to honor foster parents, who are, in their own right, Angels-made-flesh. Miraculously, they all managed to put aside the misery they witness every day, along with the rampant frustration that comes from trying to be humane within the confines of a relentlessly merciless system.

Everyone knows the story – impossibly high caseloads, insurmountable demands, unrealistic reputations – But few actually care. It’s a secret world where the public at large would rather not go. It’s messy and it’s ugly. When it spills over into society because something so horrendous occurs that it makes the newspaper, people react by blaming the social workers. They’re not, deep down, angry at them, just annoyed that their day was darkened by such a painful, unthinkable story. Child abuse is not for the faint of heart. And yet, these amazing people – social workers and foster parents – show up every single day. Believe me when I tell you that there are days when it feels like rushing into a burning building or leaping onto a sinking ship.

Nobody in your family or circle of friends has a clue why you do it. Hell, most of them don’t really know what it is that you do.  You have very few allies among the media, the state legislature, the public or even your own administration.  It’s a very lonely profession, despite the fact that you are surrounded by people almost all of the time. Usually, it’s you against the world. People think that it’s stressful because of the clients you serve. Not true. We expect them to be difficult. And we’re really good at breaking through those barriers. It’s the resistance from just about everyone else that wears us down.

Yet, these amazing individuals not only show up every day – They somehow manage to smile and laugh and even sing, right in the face of all that ugliness – No matter how dark, how hopeless, how frustrated or how gut-wrenchingly sad they feel.

I am often asked if I miss my job and I answer honestly with a resounding NO. But there are things I miss about it. The incredible perspective one gets from being immersed in the real world, is one. Mostly I miss being a part of this secret society of angels among us. They share the kind of bond that I imagine also comes from serving in the military together or on a police force. Facing daily danger and indomitable responsibilities unites people. We have each other’s backs because no one else will.

So, if you know a social worker or a foster parent, show them some love this weekend. Do something kind for them. It’s not easy to be the light that still shines through all that darkness. If that light ever burns out, it will be a very sad day, indeed, for the rest of us. And, if you are a social worker or a foster parent, God bless you.

 

Gratitude leads to abundance. I have read this a few different places and it got me thinking. Is it because the abundance was always there, but thinking about it makes it more obvious? Maybe that’s part of it. However…

It’s easy to be thankful when things are going well. For example, we feel gratitude when we win the lottery, buy a house, land our dream job or fall in love. Thanks giving comes naturally when you’ve just added a new grandchild to the family or your favorite team wins the championship. 

But what about the not-so-good things that happen? To the uninitiated, the idea of being grateful for a bad turn of events might seem ridiculous. How in the world can you feel thankful for the love of your life walking out on you? How can you appreciate being let go from your job? 

If you have experienced a negative life event, it’s likely that you got past it. You survived. Maybe you even identify with the popular adage that we are “stronger at the broken places.” Whatever the darkness was, you stared it down. You learned from it. You emerged a better person. Therein lies the gratitude.

The next time something bad happens – And there will be a next time (That’s life!) – You might remind yourself of the previous experience. Ask yourself, “Can something good come of this?” Even if the first answer is a resounding NO, you’ve opened yourself up to a new possibility: Maybe this isn’t all bad.

Learn to seek the silver lining. Better yet, expect it. It’s always there. Find gratitude in your challenges as well as the gifts. You’ll be amazed how this simple shift in thinking propels you forward, out of the darkness and into the light. You will live a deeper life. 

Gratitude leads to abundance. Yes, it certainly does.

We all grapple with the big questions. As young adults, we seek our path as we try to identify a career, a mate, a home. “What is the meaning of life?” When the business of living is in full swing, we are often too busy to study the big picture. But, when it all becomes too much, we speculate – We reexamine our choices. Some persevere, others walk away. Later in the journey, we accept what was, while looking ahead with a sharper eye, knowing time is limited. “What is the meaning of MY life?”

I tend to be a ‘big picture’ person. Philosophy, experience, religion, science all lend themselves to help see the connections between us and the world. They all give our lives meaning. Our relationships become clearer – we are linked to one another and to the universe.  

Much of those schools of thought are man made. Books have been written that endured generations. Lessons have been learned, laws written. Great minds have shown us ways to interpret data: Our parents, teachers, ministers, poets. We absorb, process, accept or reject. We arrive at each stage of our lives with a deeper understanding of who we really are and where we are going. (Hopefully).

But, still. What does it all mean?

There is one single, common denominator. It’s not man made. It precedes all else. It is the basis for all other reasoning and yet, it defies all logic. Everything you’ve ever heard, learned or experienced began there: Love.

It exists within each of us and drives everything we do. Religion teaches us that it begins with God’s love. Psychologists believe our mother’s love shapes us. We all seek romantic love. Self-help gurus urge us to love ourselves. Our children initiate us toward unconditional love. We love our friends, our pets, our grandkids. We profess it. We need it. We pursue it. We are burned by it. Without a doubt, it is the most over-used word in the English language. 

Love exists in your heart. Everyday. You don’t have to do anything – it’s just there. Always. Even on days when you don’t feel it. There is a never-ending supply. It cannot be depleted, only multiplied. The more you give away, the more there is. No matter what you’re feeling or going through, love is there. We are born with it and we die with it. No matter how many times or how badly you screw it up, love remains. It’s the only constant we have. It’s steadfast, continuous, perpetual and unending. 

It is life’s one, perfect gift. 

Love one another. Show love to strangers you meet. Act in love to your family. Tell your friends, “I love you.” Vow to love someone who is difficult to love. It’s worth the effort. The more you give, the more you gather. 

Love is the answer. Just love. The rest will take care of itself.

I like being alone. This might surprise people who know me. I’m not one to pass up any social event or opportunity. I am constantly making new friends, seeking new circles and connections. But, into that hectic calendar is carved some precious solitude. Sometimes, it’s an entire day. Other times, it’s a smaller slice of time. I crave it. I can get cranky when it doesn’t happen.

Why do some prefer seclusion while others loathe it? Perhaps it is silence that is intolerable. When I’m home by myself, for example, I seldom turn on the television or even listen to music. The sound of my own thoughts entertains and teaches me. I’m saddened to think that some people cannot tolerate silence, yet I know it’s true. 

When you strip away external stimulation and distraction, you listen to your own, internal voice. You come face to face with your dreams, your fears, your disappointments. You get to know yourself. It’s not always pretty. It is always real. 

Most of us are hard on ourselves. We might be easy going and accepting of our coworkers and friends. But we have difficulty affirming our own imperfections. Being alone with yourself means recognizing things that we would rather ignore. Acknowledging those attributes without judgement takes practice. It’s a little bit like meditation, where you allow thoughts to exist but attach no emotion to them. Eventually, we can learn embrace that which makes us individual – even our darkness. (Or we can choose to change it. But that’s a subject for another blog.)

Being alone in nature is especially satisfying to me: At the beach, with the waves rushing to shore and retreating again while the wind blows around you. Hiking in the woods with only birdsong and trickling streams for company. There’s something about being alone with something much bigger than ourselves that provides perspective. In the workplace or family, you might be a pretty big deal. In nature, however, we’re just one small link in a very long chain. What makes us special is our individual uniqueness. Solitude puts us in touch with that. 

What makes you extraordinary? Whether it be your ideas, beliefs, personality quirks, history or drive, we are all original. We are all exclusive. If you never allow yourself to listen, though, you’ll miss out. You won’t really know yourself. And, if you don’t understand yourself, you’ll not recognize commonalities in others. To really know someone else, you must really know yourself. 

The only way to accomplish that is to turn down the noise and truly listen.

About a week ago, one of my local author friends posted a great article. It stayed with me and I’ve thought about it several times in the days since I read it. It was all about holding space. The writer was a woman who had lost her mother. She described a caring, end-of-life nurse who gently led her through the process of caring for her dying mother. It’s a difficult road that many of us have travelled. 

Holding space for someone can be applied to so many situations in this life. We’ve all needed it at one time. We all know someone for whom we might hold space.

What does it mean to hold space for someone? 
Basically, it means ‘being there’ in a way that is supportive and not judgemental, with no strings attached. We must put aside our egos and not try – intentionally or subconsciously – to affect the outcome. Many of us are wired in a way that compels us to try to ‘fix’ things. That’s not what holding space is about. It means simply being available without trying to control any aspect of the situation at hand.

Naturally, as in the case of the nurse, holding space can include providing information or other help. The nurse talked with the dying woman’s family about what they could expect and what their options were once their mother had passed away. Mostly, she made herself accessible, without conditions and without becoming personally involved.

You might be holding space for a friend who is experiencing a crisis. Our natural tendency may be to offer advice or suggest certain actions that we feel would be the best way for her to handle something. Instead, we should empower her to trust her own instincts, even if it’s not what we would do. After all, it’s not our journey.

It’s possible to hold space for someone who is holding space for someone else. Think about people who are in a helping profession, like the nurse in the article. Perhaps you know someone who is holding space for a friend with Cancer or who is caring for a disabled spouse. By offering them a safe place to talk about it or just to escape it for a few hours, you are holding space for them. That space should be free from judgement and shame.

Friendship is precious. It should not come with stipulations. While there are times when our input is sought after, holding space requires only the promise of your presence. It’s a kind of helping that looks very different from what we are accustomed to providing. 

Holding space for someone might not be easy. It will probably take some practice. But I think it’s worthwhile and we’re all capable. You can probably think of a time when someone held space for you. It truly is a gentle gift.

Today is one of those days when I’m over-committed and need to squeeze a lot of tasks out of 24 hours. So, I’ll leave you with this lovely quote for inspiration and wish you all a fabulous weekend! Start something new – Plant what will grow – Laugh with a friend – Find some alone time – Feel joy – Appreciate someone!

When you think about meditation, you probably picture yourself sitting on a deserted beach, in the lotus position, your eyes closed against the beauty that surrounds you because your mind has achieved a higher level of consciousness. Right?

Wrong! Who has time for that? While it makes a lovely poster, it’s just not practical. 

I have good news: Meditation can make a tremendous difference in our lives by helping us to focus on what’s important. It can calm our fears by reducing anxiety and stress. It can even improve our brain functioning. And – here’s the best part – It takes only minutes a day and can be done anywhere!

Meditation is much more than thinking about nothing. You don’t need to leave your body. It doesn’t have to be a metaphysical experience. You don’t need to hang out with Buddhist monks. 

There are many methods of meditation and none are the wrong way. Here are some of my favorites:

• Repeat your favorite mantra each morning, before you get out of bed. (More about that below)

• Close your eyes and visualize yourself doing a specific task. Imagine the parts that worry you because you are afraid of failing. In your meditation, feel the confidence as you calmly succeed and do it perfectly.

• Relax and focus by thinking only of your breathing for a minute. Inhale what you need – Peace, healing, energy. Visualize this as clean, pure air. Feel it enter your lungs, be picked up by your blood and flowing through you.  Exhale the negative stuff – Hurt, illness, anger. Visualize the air you breathe out as dirty or filled with molecules of whatever negativity you are releasing.

What is a mantra?
A mantra, according to Hinduism, is a word or short phrase used as incantation for meditation or prayer. It is believed to have spiritual power and is usually repeated as a way to clear the mind in preparation for deeper meditation.

In our world, a mantra can be a simple statement of what we want to achieve. You can use Google or Pinterest to find something you like. Maybe you have a favorite prayer from Sunday worship that speaks for you or to you. You can even make up your own. Remember, there is no wrong way to do this. 

It’s universal and you can tailor it to suit you. Speak to God. Send your message out into the inverse. Remember to keep your heart and mind open – listen.

Here are some nice, short mantras:

“Where I am right now is exactly where I need to be.”
“I attract joy, love, and abundance.”
“Every day in every way, I’m getting better and better.”
“I am at peace with what is, what was, and what will be. 
“I forgive you. I forgive myself.”
“I am open to the abundance of the universe.”

These are beautiful but a little longer:

“I am calm, peaceful, and centered. I am exactly where I need to be. I am serene, content, and in tune with my higher self. It is safe for my mind to rest and my spirit to soar. I am not my thoughts. My mind is my friend but I am it’s master. I can listen to my intuition.”

“I am open and I am loving. I forgive myself and others. It is safe to greet the world with love. My heart remains open to the world. I feel the air on my face and I can go lightly like air. I can be vulnerable, and it’s okay. I am worthy of love. I am balanced and loving. I will love myself and other unconditionally. It starts with me.”

“Like the wind, I am free and clear. It is safe to express myself and my needs. I am safe in my identity. I can speak and I can listen with love. I am a spiritual being and my spirit expresses itself here. It is safe to communicate. My voice is clear. I can speak my truth with love.”

If you are trying this out for the first time, I recommend a quiet, private place where you feel comfortable and will not be distracted. Some people like to use gentle music in the background. I used to have a CD of harp music that was perfect. Before long, you’ll find that it’s easy to shut out the rest of the world for a minute and focus, whether you are in a meeting or on a crowded train. A minute in your parked car, before you enter the office, can do wonders.

You may thirst for more, once you accomplish some or all of these suggestions. Practice regularly and you might just find yourself floating into another realm of conciousness. You’ll be amazed! 

“Let me get this straight,” I said to my then boyfriend/now husband, raising one eyebrow. “You want me to waste two weeks of vacation time to go camping in Rhode Island? An hour from home?” Thus far, our vacations had been to the Florida Keys, Nashville, New Orleans and the Grand Canyon. Not that I disliked the local seaport where he suggested we spend our summer vacation. But it was a day trip, not an entire vacation! 

But he was adamant. Since he was determined to go, with or without me, I reluctantly agreed. Well, sort of. “I’ll take one week off,” I acquiesced. “But I am working the second week.” After all, I reasoned, it was close enough to commute, being about the same driving distance to my office as our home.

When the time came, he was noticeably more enthusiastic than I, humming as he packed the truck and hooked up the camper. I was happy to have a week off from work but remained skeptical about the destination. “What if it rains?” I whined. “I’m taking my own car in case I want to come home for the night.”

As if to prove a point, the weather was beach-perfect for seven days in a row. The fishing village of Galilee became as familiar as our home town. I loved the freshly-caught seafood offerings at restaurants where you could eat outdoors, with sandy feet and still wearing your damp bathing suit. The water was clear and sand as soft as velvet. The daily scenery included Point Judith lighthouse and, on a clear day, Block Island. 

But the best part was that our kids and grandkids visited, often joining us for a day on the beach, followed by a lobster boil at the campsite. Even our two New Hampshire grandsons were camping, too, along with their parents, of course. Several friends came for the day and stayed for dinner and a campfire. The week flew by. And it was all good.

Too good, actually. When Monday morning arrived and the sun shined warmly, I was not, as they say, a happy camper. The first thing I did when I got to work was beg, borrow and plead for two more days off at the end of the week. I couldn’t sleep in my own bed at home because I missed the distant fog horn. I woke up disappointed every morning because I couldn’t smell the salt air or hear the cry of the osprey. At long last, Wednesday arrived and I left work a little early, headed for the campground. Truth be told, I skipped the campground and went straight to the beach, having worn my bathing suit to work, underneath my clothes. It was a glorious re-union between my newly enlightened self and the place I had come to love.

Our annual trips continue and have become a highlight in our busy year. These days, I am retired, so there are no vacation request forms needed. And certainly no arm twisting to convince me to spend two weeks an hour’s drive from home. As a matter of fact, that’s usually where you can find me on any given hot summer’s day: Float-ing in the gentle surf, watching the fishing boats come and go and counting the days until our next Camping vacation, when I won’t have to drive all the way home.

Today is one of those really busy, early morning starts! Limited time for blogging. I suspect there will be more like this, now that the weather is finally showing signs of improvement. When the urge to explore this big, beautiful world draws me away from my morning routine of coffee and writing, I might skip a day. My goal for the summer is to publish three blogs weekly. I was going to begin the new schedule Memorial Day, but cannot promise it won’t happen sooner.

Some days, there is time to share a quick recipe. Like today! I love my crock pot for crazy, hectic days. Yesterday, I made this soup and I have to tell you that it is DELICIOUS! Best of all, it was easy peasy and it’s full of flavor, protein, nutrients and fiber!

The only tweaking I did was to use 8 cups of broth, not 6. Also, I used Barilla’s whole wheat pasta (elbows) – Phenomenal! I’m certain you could make it stovetop, too. I’ll be eating it for a late dinner this week, on the nights I’m out doing other things at supper time! 

Once summer arrives, the only soup I’m likely to make is chowder. But the recipe is definitely a keeper! ENJOY! Thanks for sticking with me!

Today, I’m off to the Brimfield Antiques Fair with my meet-up group, the RI Quick Silvers!

What does it mean to be authentic?

I’ve been hearing a lot about living an authentic life. It sounds interesting because, well, I like to keep it real. But how do we apply it to our lives?

Like most of my personal endeavors, it’s no easy task. It’s more of a process, really. I think that it is definitely something for mid-life, since it requires one to know oneself completely. That can take a lifetime!

Authenticity was defined by psychologists Brian Goldman and Michael Kernis about 15 years ago. It’s not a brand new concept. They described it as “the unimpeded operation of one’s true or core self in one’s daily enterprise.”

For starters, it requires a good understanding of your own values. Self-awareness is not something that comes to us until we’ve lived life, whether in years or in experience. To become truly authentic, you must be in touch with what really matters to you. What is most important to you? It means letting go of the expectations placed on us by our parents, families, teachers, society and friends. Then, we must act deliberately in ways that are consistent with those personal values and beliefs. 

 Authentic people do not deny their strengths and weaknesses: Rather, they acknowledge them and make no excuses. That means no hiding pieces of you or your life that might be unsavory or difficult to accept. Authentic people are accountable to themselves, first and foremost. 

It’s the most honest living there is. But, authenticity might also require that you make unpopular decisions, at times. There’s no more people-pleasing. Doing only what is in alignment with your own desires, goals and beliefs won’t always be the most popular move. But it can lead to a precious kind of freedom.

How do you create an authentic life?

1. Reexamine your personal values and goals. Are you holding on to the values and expectations that you grew up with? Most of us are – often without realizing it! If you are hanging on to a belief and cannot justify it in terms of your life right now, chances are it’s no longer working for you.

2. Keep an open mind. Ridgid, black & white thinking makes us judgemental. Look at all sides of something and try to be objective. Look at it through your own eyes, right now, at this stage of your life. Be open minded. Think in the now, not in the past.

3. Fill in the blank: If you really knew me you’d know that __________. Tony Robbins uses this in seminars to prompt people to reveal things about themselves that they might not otherwise acknowledge. When you share these things, you build trust in others. Authenticity sometimes feels uncomfortable and vulnerable. These are the first steps toward building intimacy in relationships. Truly accept yourself, shortcomings and all.

4. Listen to your intuition. If things don’t feel right, listen to that inner voice. Your instincts will tell you when you’re not being real and genuine. This is also not being authentic. When our actions coincide with our values, that little voice is silenced.

5. Identify your passions. What do you want to create or accomplish in your life? Figure it out and go for it. For me, it’s writing, playing music and making a difference in the lives of others. (So far). What are yours? Get started – It’s later than you think.

“Who we are evolves and changes,” Robbins has said. “This is a dynamic process and one we can keep moving into at deeper levels… This is less about a destination than a journey of going deeper to keep discovering and unfolding new pieces of ourselves…”

Find out who you really are and then live it, from the inside out.